The Secret Life of Objects On The Verge of a Nervous Breakdown

Dole American Blend has tried yet again to reinvent itself. It has always suspected it wasn’t as healthy or desirable as other salad mixes, and has spent hours in therapy trying to pinpoint the origins of these thoughts. Its new packaging is cluttered with over-qualifications like “Thoroughly Washed,” a “Salad Guide,” and clip-art illustrations of the vegetables it contains (which can also be seen through the clear bottom-half of its bag). The night before American Blend finalized its packaging revisions, it made a painstakingly long spreadsheet of the pros and cons of labeling the bottom-half of its bag “Salad Viewer,” and permitted itself to leave rambling voicemails on the cell phones of two remaining acquaintances who would rather placate it than ask it to stop calling. Neither phone call was returned, which is just as well, because American Blend no longer pays attention to details like “Who I’m talking to.” The world is simply an extension of its insecurities. American Blend requires heavy sedation if it wants to sleep for more than three hours. Sometimes it overmedicates itself and sleeps for entire weekends, waking with brown and wilted vegetables that feed its anxieties about its appearance.” 

Read Megan Boyle’s whole piece

  1. kyrauff reblogged this from beckylang and added:
    I’m empathizing with food now.
  2. beckylang posted this