Things I Will Inevitably Romanticize About My Trip to Europe

-My pre-trip state of righteous indignation over not being bourgeois enough to have had the chance to go to Europe

-The superior public transport everywhere and how everyone is really thin because of it (or this is my top theory on why people are so thin in Europe despite the fact that it seems like straight-up cheese on bread is a major part of the diet in many places)

-The fact that overconsuming olives is normal and appropriate to do in public

-Everyone there speaks two languages and makes me feel dumb in a “if I stuck around I would be less dumb” way

-Staircases that are not very consistent cuz they were built like 400 years ago so when you trip it’s like, “Omg, history!”

-Sangria even if it’s mostly water and you can drink 6 glasses of it and walk away with no buzz

-Seafood not tasting like socks

-Knowing that you’re probably winning in the “tipping waiters” competition, which is the only thing keeping you going as an American, cuz everyone else in the world probably thinks you’re lame

-“Digestives” seeming like healthy cookies

-Feeling thin cuz coffees are really small 

-Narrow cobblestone streets and how they make you fall down in the rain but being like “IDGAF if these people saw my undies when I fell cuz I’ll never see them again”

-Going to a beautiful, historical monument like a palace or a church or a giant christ being super exploited for tourist money after a couple servings of local booze 

Things I’m Excited to Get Back to in the U.S.

I’ve been in Europe for about two weeks and it’s been awesome. Miss you, continent! Have a kick ass winter! I’ve loved being here but it’s also given me a new appreciation for random things about the U.S., like:

-Luxuriously huge bathrooms with optimally-shaped toilet bowls

-Generally gigantic portions of  fatty foods

-“Asian chicken salads”

-Huge elevators

-Having no particular pressure to eat seafood

-Hearing “watch your ___” vs. “mind your ____”

-Knowing how to pronounce “Coke Zero” w/o confusing ppl (Europeans love Coke Zero though, props)

-Coffee servings being huge and full of fatty stuff

-Not feeling like the fattest person present at any given moment

And to be specific:

-My dog

-MPLS lakes

-Kowalski’s

-My awesome job and co-workers

The Other Woman: Blondes, Boobies, Gurl Power

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Because I was once an eighth grade girl, I enjoy movies starring three chicks, especially if one is Cameron Diaz. (Charlie’s Angles, The Sweetest Thing, etc.) I also like Judd Apatow’s wife, Leslie Mann. I don’t know much about Kate Upton other than that she is supposedly plus size (?) and has big boobs.

The plot seemed generally quirky and somewhat empowering: three chicks find out the same guy is cheating on all of them and become friends instead of hating one another. The dialogue seemed funny too. I knew I would find my way to it someday, and that day was yesterday.

This is one of those movies that is actually just what you would expect from the trailer, which is all too rare in this post 9/11 world of ours. It gets at least three stars for perfectly meeting my expectations. 

It also had these fun surprises:

-Nicki Minaj

-A powerful female lawyer

-A schadenfreude-inspring nosebleed

The dialogue was very sharp and sweet and like-able. The man was very hate-able, which is good cuz you’re not watching this movie to remember how charming cheating men are. I don’t remember the soundtrack, which is probably bad considering it should have the “Independent Woman” song of this era on it. What is that song? Something by Lourde or something?

The only thing I would change in this movie would be to replace Kate Upton with an actress who was not white and/or blonde. Does this guy really have such a strict type? Or is that Hollywood? Got ya.

This movie was refreshing in its way though, because it counters the idea that women are all man-obsessed rivals and shows that they can put sisterhood and just being good people in general first. (Not that I care about moral lessons in movies or anything dumb like that …)

I say if you have an X chromosome, you should watch this movie, preferably while in a sleeping bag wearing a BFF necklace.

Only Lovers Left Alive = Only Really Patient People Left Watching

I rented this movie because I have generally liked vampire stories my whole life (I blame you, Buffy) and this one seemed cool. For example:

Tilda Swinton. Cool.

A dystopian future where humans are stumbling through life like “zombies.” Cool.

A setting that skips from Tangiers to Detroit. Cool.

What really happened though was that this movie was not cool. It was arty and intellectual and pretentious without ever being interesting or new in any way. All the characters had very literary names. Adam. Eve. Marlowe. Watson. I hate that shit. LOST the show, looking at you. Can’t we just assume you’re well-read if you’re a screenwriter? Do you have to point it out like that?

This movie was very slow. Adam was way too into guitars. I don’t ever want to sit and watch a guy look at or talk about guitars. He also had a lot of pseudo-intellectual diatribes about society. Eve usually put him in his place for those, although watching this conversation play out over and over again is really boring.

There’s a lot of intense music while people walk around very dramatically. Not my thing. 

The only interesting part was when Eve’s sister Ava comes into the movie. She is a bad girl and has fun being a vampire and doesn’t feel that it needs to be a pseudo-intellectual, slow-paced experience. 

To be honest I didn’t finish this movie. It was so boring. I give it one flask of blood out of five. 

I Finally Watched The Fault in Our Stars

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I purposely waited to watch The Fault in Our Stars so that I could watch it in private. I knew I was going to cry and I hate crying in public. (Fun fact: Before I went on the birth control pill I never cried at movies and purposely avoided seeing movies like this for fear of looking emotionless to all my somewhat competitively emotive friends. Post pill, it’s teartown every time Santa is on T.V. Just the thought of the movie The Fault in Our Stars makes me tear up now.)

I read the book about a year ago and found it very sad and good at parts. I liked most things about it except for the concept of the Van Houten writer, who seemed a trope that John Green could use to show his quirky intellectualism throughout the book. It’s extra odd to me when writers use one character as their intellectual spigot and have other characters in the book fawn over them and call them a genius. (I had also read half of his other book, An Abundance of Katherines, but left it in my car when I traded it in, unfinished. He tries to make his characters precocious in a way that is possibly inspired by Jonathan Safran Foer but less sweet and more “I AM SMART.” Although my sister argued that this was his way of giving teenagers credit for being smart too, so I kinda see that point.)

Anyway, John Green’s writing translates very well to film. The opening line about how there are two ways to tell a story, the way that has a happy ending and the truth, would have probably blown my mind in high school. It’s also good writing when Hazel finishes that thought by saying “sorry” that her story is so sad. Cue first tears.

I usually decide if I like a movie within the first three minutes so by then I was sold. I loved most things about this movie except for when Hazel Grace says “hamartia” and then defines it for Augustus Waters. (His character was great. Much more romantic than Edward Cullen, high school ladies.)

The mother, Laura Dern, who I love from Enlightened, was also very good. There is something creepy about that actress (in a good way) that the show Enlightened used very well. When she says she’s not going to be a mom anymore, cue tears. Over and over.

I watched this movie with my puppy and looked at her many times to see if she was concerned that I was crying. I heard that dogs know when you’re sad and want to comfort you. She didn’t seem to care in particular, but it was still nice to watch a movie like this in the presence of a puppy. I would definitely recommend zero people and at least one puppy if you haven’t seen it yet. A cat would be good as well.

The Fault in Our Stars: I give it 5 Laura Dern’s Pretty Hairs out of 5.

what my dog’s barks mean in different situations (i think)

-before pooping: this poop is gonna hurt!

-while around another dog: why won’t you let me jump on that dog’s head?

-at her treats: give me those treats

-at the fireplace: not sure if this is a door or what it is … but i feel embarrassed about the fireplace gate falling on me when i launched myself at it, so i’m going to bark at it from now on

-at the head sculpture i made in the 8th grade that is on the ground: why is a head on the ground?!

-most of the time: i’m bored!